It’s just one of those days when sleep evaded me last night and there is a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Nostalgia was a constant companion last few days that I reached home. Memories from different phases of my life resurfaced and I was struck by the lightening speed with which time has passed by. I can still vividly remember my childhood days, playing cricket with friends, bugging maasa, helping bhaisa with his unending experimental engg experiments! Worries meant homework, happiness meant summer holidays, reward meant an ice cream and fun meant playing with friends. Life is whole lot different now somehow.
As I entered my home and into familiar surroundings, I felt strange apprehensions fill me. I wondered what seemed like a millionth time if it was the right thing, something I feel every time I go home and find it all empty, without any soul!! The memories, the good and the bad ones were battling it out. And this time for the first time I felt nauseated as fear gripped me. I didn’t know if I could do it but there was nowhere to run. I walked around the house I knew at the back of my hand. I took a moment to steady myself. There it all came back, memories, one by one, the good, the bad and the ugly ones.
As I walked through, I closed my eyes. I could almost hear the familiar voices yelling, calling out, laughing and calling each other names. I let my fingers caress the familiar table in my room where I would spend hours completing my assignments, silently studying, longing to go out to play. I went to bhaisas room and checked his desk and the small blue post-it pinned to the soft board. “Raat yeh bhi guzar jaaygi…” the handwriting was familiar. It was Bhaisas!!! In deepest despair I found hope in those words. I went walked down the rooms. I felt claustrophobic, memories making it hard to breathe. Next day morning again I kept walking, down the stairs, behind those pillars, slipping into the village to my hideout. I knelt down to feel the grass, the sun beating down my back burning me. Memories of me lying there alone watching the sunset with tears washing my vision; all came back to me!! I walked back home, half expecting the familiar faces but they were not there. I searched, I looked everywhere, and I knew they are there. But out of my vision now!!!
It was again that I realized that it was gone. Gone forever!!! Why bond with anyone when end is to part!!! Why not create a boundary and keep all away. But then a thought came. Boundaries don’t keep people out. They just fence you in. Life is messy. But that’s how we are made. You can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. I think I will try once more to cross them.
I think I’ll end this one right here, really random post I know. Sometimes bouts of insanity makes you feel a lot saner!!!