Spock: Captain Kirk, I have been able to get some information from the archives about this new planet we are circling. It is in an Earth-like planet with a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere called YashRajpur. In this planet, there is always bright sunshine, most of it consists of green fields with yellow flowers everywhere, happy people with nary a worry in sight, the dhol plays always, background dancers magically arrive every twenty minutes, one elaborate family function gives way to another, India and Pakistan exist as brothers and play cricket together for a cup called the “Aaman Cup”, the education system consist of Gurukuls where teachers instruct students in the ways of love, whenever people break into song they sing in the voices of Sonu Nigam or Sunidhi Chauhan, there is a very limited set of names for people (Veer, Veera, Rohan, Rahul), where a woman will be mistaken to be a man the moment she puts on a beard and a man will be rendered unrecognizable if he shaves off his mustache and most importantly, everything is lovey-dovey.
Kirk: Don’t they have days and nights here?
Spock: No they do not. They have shows. The same story repeats itself every show with some minor changes. Sure seasons change, some times it is called “Mujse Dosti Karoge”, sometimes “Veer Zara”, or “Mohabatein” and sometimes “Dil Bole Hadippa”. But the essential ingredients and the trappings remain the same. And yes many “wHo TyPe Lik Dis” will flock to see such shows as long as there are cutie pies like Shahrukh, choco-cookies like Aamir and sweeties like Shahid Kapoor.
Kirk: Sulu, do a magnification of the planet on the front screen.
Sulu: Yes Captain!!!
Kirk shrieks in pain – Oh my sweet heavens. What was that which just flashed before my eyes? Was that Harbhajan Singh? But he looks weird.
Spock: No Captain. That was Rani Mukherjee playing cricket disguised as Harbhajan Singh.
Sulu: So this explains why Bhajji bowls like that nowadays. It is actually a “doosra” person pretending to him.
Spock: In the story currently playing down on the planet surface, Veera or Rani Mukherjee is a girl who is the best cricketer in the village. But since girls cannot play in the Aaman Cup, she transforms herself into a “Gabdu Jawaan” Veer by wearing a beard and a turban and dropping an “e” from her name. No body of course notices, among other things, the feminine voice of the man “Veer”. In any case, after Veera’s transformation what happens is a predictable cross between every other Yashraj movie and Chak De India and a whole lot of usual sermonizing!!!
Kirk: Chak De India. I remember that movie. I like it. Whenever I reach the “final frontier” of some intergalactic planet I always tell how it’s going to be rocked in the next seventy minutes – “Sattar minute. Sattar minute hai tumhare paas surrender karne ke liye. Shayad tumhare planet ke sabse khaas 70 minute.” (Smirks) And you can bet that always has the effect.
Spock: Captain I am picking up strange readings from the planet surface. My tricorder is off the scale. Is it a Klingon? Is it a Borg? Is it a Romulan? Is it a space insect? NO it is Rakhi Sawant and she is also present there. There is Shaheed Kapoor also trying to do a bad imitation of Shahrukh Khan whether it is the song sequences or the Chak De India type tough coach parts.
Kirk: Let’s check the planet out. I think we should beam down. [To the computer] Scotty, prepare the transporter.
Scott: Oye oye captain.
Kirk: Did I just hear that right? Doesn’t Scott say “Aye aye captain”? What was that?
Kirk screams: Battle stations. Man the phaser torpedoes. What the hell of Orion is that?
Spock: Captain that is the resident spirit of YashRajpur. I think it has taken command of the ship and its crew. That’s why Scott was saying Oye Oye.
Kirk: YashRajpur spirit!!! Holy God!!! SULU, full power to the impulse thrusters.
Sulu: Oye shawa shawa. Balle Balle Captain. Tu to bada changa munda hai.
Kirk: Spock, that entity has taken over Sulu. Quick take over the helm.
Spock (face turning blue): Must c..o…n…t..r…o…l emotion. Must not…..Captain…universe mein kitni hai nafrate phir bhi dilon mai hai chahate…….Must not……Halle halle se hawa laagti hai…..No No I cannot be….Captain….
Kirk runs over to Spock. He shakes his shoulders as Spock doubles over. His painful face is replaced with serenity.
Kirk: Are you all right Mr. Spock?
Spock stands up, raises one leg and breaks into dance. “Bhangra paunde” He then moves over to Uhura and says “Soni lagdi tainu soni lagdi”……
Immediately the bridge door opens and Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel run in with blue handkerchiefs in their hands singing “Hadippaaaa”…
Kirk sinks into his chair – Sulu Suluuuuuuu….warp factor 5….Gaddi Chak De Hun!!!